“Connection is the antidote for shame.” Hillary Jacobs Hendel
Shame is the experience of thoughts and feelings along the lines of, “I am bad.” When we experience shame, often our body feels like it wants to hide, shrink or become invisible.
Shame whispers in our ear to disconnect because that feels safer.
“Don’t trust that person, they will reject you”
“You don’t deserve compassion, look at what a screw up you are”
“You’re so awful you don’t even deserve to feel joy”
“You have nothing to contribute to the world”
These experiences of shame can feel so painful that we choose to numb the pain through distraction, substances, binging shows, shopping, work. Anything to not FEEL shame.
When shame arises, the tendency is to quickly disconnect. Avoid others, feelings and ourselves. Yet, what if, instead, the most effective response was actually instead, to connect?
Below are some ideas on how you can use the antidote to shame, connection, to powerfully respond to your shame experiences or transform your experience of shame.
-Connect with yourself through a self compassion break
This is an effective response to shame. Noticing your feelings, reminding yourself you aren’t alone and sending kindness your way. For example, “Gosh, this feels awful. I am not alone in this experience, other people know what this is like. I choose to give myself compassion.”
-Connect with others through vulnerability
Share your experience of pain or shame with someone else. Being met with acceptance by another is incredibly healing to our shame. When someone says “I get it,” or “Ugh that sounds terrible,” or I’ve got your back through this,” we are reminded we are not alone, awful, alone and that works against the experience of shame.
-Connect with a meaningful purpose
Do some self exploration to determine how you’d like to contribute to your community. Is there a cause you’d like to get involved in and have been delaying? You have skills and experiences that your community would benefit from, so go for it! Shame will whisper you have nothing to add, yet, that could not be farther from what is true. What’s the first step you can take to move in that direction? Show your shame who is boss!
-Connect with the pleasant feelings
Often when shame is a common experience for us, when we do experience pleasant feelings, it’s so uncomfortable! If joy, pride or excitement pop up, we may quickly dismiss them or think, “just waiting for the other shoe to drop.” So next time you have a moment of gratitude, contentment, love- pause and notice what it feels like in your body. Scan your body and notice the sensations. Allow the feeling to linger, appreciate it and send breath towards where it feels pleasant in your body. Your body might feel like it wants to expand, move, dance, smile, laugh or shout- engage with that response. You are worthy of delight and pleasure.
If those shame whispers creep up, know you are not alone. We’ve all been there and we don’t have to stay there!