Nurture your Anxiety
In discussing anxiety, addiction expert Gabor Maté states, “Chronic anxiety is not rooted in the experience of the moment. It precedes thought… the anxiety just is… anxiety will always find a target.” Later he states, “It doesn’t need to go away… I can transform my relationship to it, become more intimately related to it.”
How can we become more intimately related to it? Instead of intimately relating to our anxiety we likely strive towards complete resistance or avoidance. Often our response is to stay busy or numb out with substances or screens. Could there be another way to respond to our anxiety? Yes!
The first step is to acknowledge it. “Ah, yes here’s some anxiety.”
Second, we can respond with curious compassion, instead of shame and judgment.
“Of course it’s here, it frequently visits me.” Maybe you do some exploration as well into your experiences (and your ancestors’ experiences) to gain a greater understanding of what could be contributing to your chronic anxiety. This could help you have greater self compassion when anxiety appears.
Third, connect with the present moment by noticing your physical environment and body.
Possible ideas: Move your body a bit, do some belly breaths, press your feet against the floor, smell the air, sniff a candle, look at something pleasant. Do a slow body scan and send breath towards any tension and also briefly notice somewhere in your body that feels good.
Fourth, we can ask ourselves if our anxious self needs anything now.
Are we also hungry, tired, thirsty, lonely, sad? Can we tend to those feelings? Our anxious self may desire some reassurance, connection with someone else, movement, nature, breath work. Respond to your anxious self like the 7 year old anxious you, nurture it and make space for the experience instead of resisting it.
The goal is not for anxiety to disappear from your life forever. That’s what ACT calls a “dead person goal,” which is a goal that a dead person could do much better than anyone alive. Anxiety is a part of life. For some it’s more situationally and for others it is chronic. With chronic anxiety, the goal is to change your response to it and your relationship- to cultivate a connection of curiosity, compassion and nurturance.
Remind yourself your anxiety will always find a target. The upcoming speech, the lack of finances, the difficult relationship, the approaching medical appointment, the work event, the next social event, the hard decision. Once you cross the finish line of one target, your anxious mind will find the next target. It’s less about the target and more about tending to the anxiety. You can say to yourself, “Ok, my anxiety has found it’s next target.” Then follow the above flow to deepen your relationship to it.