VIRGIN
What thoughts does this word bring up for you? If you were raised in purity culture, I imagine it conjures a significant amount of memories, emotions and possibly some scars. Being a “virgin” was likely taught as the ultimate goal for your sexuality. Yet, it was never quite clear what a “virgin” was; likely taught as or assumed to mean someone who has not had penetrative sex.
Why wait to have sex until marriage? Well, you were probably taught, If you were able to hold out until marriage, it’d be the key to a great marriage. That it was “God’s way.” That the Bible made it clear. Did you hear couples give their testimonies about waiting or not waiting and how it impacted them? You may have seen a visual including duct tape, a rose, gum or many others; all to represent the impact on you if you were to have sex with someone before marriage.
An implied message; a virgin is better. A gift for your future spouse. And if that’s the case; maybe to ensure you don’t have sex, don’t cross other boundaries- such as being alone, touching eachother, making out or even a peck on the lips.
So you restrict and wait for the best sex of your life after marriage...and then maybe it disappoints. I mean, after all, did anyone take time to teach you about sex? Pleasure? Orgasms? Fore-play? The arousal cycle? How to communicate about sex? Self-pleasure? Definitely not that last one, I’m well aware. ;)
Or maybe you have sex before marriage and it’s doused in shame, self-judgment, disconnection from God and others in your community. You see yourself as bad. Not strong enough. Maybe you keep it to yourself and your sex habits become secret. You begin a pattern of neurologically linking shame with sex. As they say, “neurons that fire together, wire together.” Sex and shame become more intimately linked in your brain.
Today I want to tell you about another way people thought about the word “virgin” back in the day. This is referenced in, “The Dance of the Dissident Daughter,” by author Sue Monk Kidd. She shared that in her readings she discovered that in ancient times, the word “virgin” meant a woman who was “one-in-herself.” Meaning, a virgin could be partnered and have had lots of sex. She can have an intimate, deep connection with her partner, yet, as Sue Monk Kidd writes, “she does not give herself away to him or patriarchy.” This idea of virginity is described as a psychological perspective, a quality- not a physical or external status.
There was even an ancient ritual that women would engage in to reclaim their virginity and serve as a reminder of their wholeness. It served as a ritual to honor the fact that they are one in themselves. They would immerse themselves three times in a body of water. A goddess named Hera would engage in this practice annually.
Is there a ritual you could engage in to remind yourself that you belong to yourself? That you are “one-in-yourself?” It could be a dip in the water three times. Or a dance in the woods, writing a song, or shouting it aloud outside.
Let’s reclaim ourselves, together.
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Ps. Additional purity culture recovery resources below:
Beyond Shame (book)
Resources from a Sex Educator (books, courses, coaching)
Fun Parts (podcast about sexuality and spirituality)